Baby, what’s with ‘stronging’ your face this morning now? Is something wrong?’
‘Leave me alone. What does it matter whether something is wrong or not? Do you care?’
‘Of course I care, what do you mean by that? O ya, sorry. But what have I done this time?’
‘It’s more like what you haven’t done, despite my pleas for over a week now!’
‘Ah, you have been asking me for something for over a week now and I haven’t given it to you? What! My own baby, I am so sorry. I must have forgotten. Please ask again so I can give it to you here and now!’
‘You are making fun of me, abi? You think this is funny? I’m not talking to you again.’
‘Ah ah now, don’t be like that. I’m truly sorry. You know it’s been a busy week. Tell me now…’
‘Yes now, you have been too busy to give your wife some TLC. Of course your work is more important than me, sebi I have always said so.’
‘Huh, TLC? Baby but we made love last night now?
‘Who is talking about that one? Why do you men always equate sex with romance? Someone is talking about one thing, you are talking about another thing.’
‘So, lovemaking does not qualify as TLC? What is it then, manual labour?!’
‘I don’t know for you o. Me I have sha said my own. When I start my own nobody should say anything o.’
‘O ya sorry. So, what exactly am I supposed to be doing since lovemaking no longer qualifies as TLC?’
‘That you even have to ask is a problem. What happened to you? This is not the man I married. And this marriage is not even 3 years old and you have lost it.’
‘I shall find it again it you’ll be kind enough to just tell me what exactly I’m supposed to do. Believe me, I am capable of relearning.’
‘Who taught you all the things you were doing when you were toasting me? Who taught you all the things you did when we were dating, before you proposed and we got married?’
‘Ah, that’s a different scenario altogether. You see, a hunter does not treat a game in pursuit the same when he treats the game when captured.’
‘Oh, so I’m now bush meat, abi? This discussion is over!’
‘No o, it was just an analogy. Am I crazy in the head that I will call you bush meat? You, my own big baby, my fine girl small pimples with fine chicken legs, my own Oriaku, chopper of my money, the small but mighty thing that’s doing tirinrin taranran in my brain!’
‘Leave me alone. I’m not talking to you again .Oh ooo, stop tickling me. It’s not going to work this time. I’m serious. I’m not talking to you again.’
‘Baby now.’
‘Leave me jor. Was I the one who told you how to look deeply into my eyes and say I Love You with a sweet whisper? Was I the one who taught you how to do that silly Igbo war dance that used to make me laugh really hard? How come you have forgotten how to call me 5 times a day when you’re away? When was the last time you sent me a lovely text except when to ask what’s for dinner? Where’s the last card you bought for me? I even have to practically beg for a hug every morning when you go out. When last did we share a deep kiss unless as prelude to sex, ehn, when last? I don’t even know what a forehead kiss feels like anymore…and I used to really like that. Less than 3 years and romance has gone out of the door…I wonder what’s next.’
‘Wow!
‘Is that all you’re going to say?’
‘Wow! Wow!! Wow!!! I actually don’t know what to say, can’t you tell?’
‘Good! Because it would be great to have less talk and more action in this house, for once.’
‘Oh, so now you are throwing stones, abi? O ya, come and take non-prelude-to-sex-just for-kisssake-mindblowing-knockyouoffyourfeet-kiss. Let me plant it squarely inside your throat and show you who’s the man!’
‘Gosh, you can be so ANNOYING!’
‘But you love me so, right?’
‘Unfortunately.’
‘Gbam! I’m your cross and you shall bear me.’
‘Chineke biko yelu m aka kam yali ikuwa isi nwoke aofu nbosi! [God please help me, let me not break this man’s head one day!]
‘Amen.’
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