Chris Ihidero Unedited: Have You Seen My Childhood?

I was recently one of the judges at the end of term debate night of one of the top private secondary schools in Lagos and I was rudely reminded of how different one childhood can be from another. The lush green fields, the well-built infrastructure, the well-mannered students, the general orderliness of the place and the people within it, the obvious encouragement and support given to the students to aid them in achieving their full potentials…: this was a world away from the school/boarding house I went to a few decades ago.
I was 7 years old and in Primary 3 when my mum planned the coup that led to my going to the boarding house (See last week’s piece for details.) My school, Sanni Luba Nursery/Primary School was located in Ijebu-Ode, Ogun-State. By the standards of the 80s it was a good school; actually one of the best in Ogun-State, academically.
Before my parents left on my first day in the school, I had torn my first set of Khaki shorts on the football field. In fact, I waved goodbye to my parents from the field and my mom was stunned. I guess she had expected tears and some tugging at her dress or something. I couldn’t be bothered. Two weeks later, all my provisions had either been stolen or consumed. I had only one left out of three pairs of school uniform. My pillow had taken a walk from underneath my head while I was sleeping one night. My books now belonged to other people. On many nights, I cried and called out for my mummy in audible whispers. The whole dormitory laughed out loud, in unison.
In a couple of months I caught up with the flow of how things were done in the concentration camp reality that was masquerading as a primary/secondary school boarding house. I no longer bothered about the whereabouts of my school uniform. I simply took whatever was available on the clothe line in the morning after successfully having a bath, usually with a quarter bucket of water. I was never able to make it to breakfast early and always had my food unfinished when the bell rang for morning assembly. So I devised a system: My remaining Pap goes into the right pocket and the Akara goes into the left pocket. With them intact, I ran to the assembly like a good boy. At the assembly I waited till time for the national anthem to consume my food. Arise O compatriots [right hang goes into right pocket, scoops substantial amount of pap], Nigeria’s call obey [Left hand goes into pocket and cuts a piece of Akara]; To serve our fatherland [contents of both hands transferred to the mouth]. My recitation was done for the day.
I had my first girlfriend in Primary 4, aged 8. Her cousin had accidentally stepped on me and I had threatened to kill her. In utmost fear for her life she gathered a few friends and family, including my to-be girlfriend, to come beg. I lost interest in killing her the moment I saw Busola but I wasn’t going to let my reputation as Chris-the-menace suffer so I said nothing to her. 24 hours later I cornered her in an empty classroom and made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. With my very black face hardened to maximum, I declared: “I Love You. Do You Love Me?!” Of course she said YES! Thus began our romance. We didn’t do much, to be frank, but everybody knew Busola was my girl and on the day she allowed me hold her hand, I stood in the middle of my dormitory and announced this to resounding applause, like a boss.
My first suspension from school came in Primary 4. My school had about 15 fish ponds and we were sternly warned never to swim in them as people had drowned before. I didn’t know how to swim but was pretty sure I couldn’t drown; therefore the rule did not apply to me. Off to swim I went with my immediate elder brother who had joined my eldest brother and I at the boarding house by then. Unfortunately, the school proprietor, Alhaji Ambali Olubamowo Sanni, drove by and that same evening my brother and I, escorted by one of our hostel wardens, were put on a Molue from Ijebu-Ode to Lagos, with our neatly typed suspension letters in our pockets. Of course, everyone at home blamed ME for leading my ELDER brother into temptation, as if I dragged him into the water.
This was the first in a total of 16 suspensions and expulsions I gathered in my 10 years in boarding school. It was also one of only two my parents ever heard about.
Have you seen my childhood?
N.B Next week, I shall tell you about my first riot in school, our ‘unique children’s game’ and how I left Busola for Sola in JSS 2…she was the P.E teacher’s daughter, spoke rotten English but holds the world record for the owner of first set of boobs I freed from imprisonment…BOOM!